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This is crap. Will that do?

No? Okay then, let's take a look at just why this hugely popular game, festooned with a million 90 percent plus reviews in every magazine in the world at the time of release, is total and utter Snoozeville UK. Um...

Okay, so having said that I can't really put my finger on any specific reasons. The graphics are fine, with some particularly nice animation on the second level's jellyfish, for example. All the same, they're completely characterless, especially when compared to the malicious meanies from Anarchy (also released this month by Sizzlers and reviewed this issue), and you never really get a feeling of spirited opposition from them.

The action is on the sluggish side, and it's easy to get frustrated when the scrolling just won't let you move on as quickly as you want to, but it's as fast as it really has to be most of the time. I guess the sound is pretty nondescript, but then you could say that about 90 percent of the games we review, so I can't really crucify it for that.

The fact of the matter is, I'd only been playing Blood Money for about thirty seconds when I suddenly developed a deep and pressing desire to be doing something else (anything at all, more or less) and every succeeding minute that I forced myself to play on for (it's my job, y'know) increased my unhappiness by an exponential factor. Eventually I found myself with the joystick in one hand and a knife in the other poised over my wrist, and at that point the power supply luckily cut out or I might not have been here to relate the whole sorry tale. Don't take any chances yourself.

Sorry, that wasn't very constructive, was it? This game is the epitome of lifelessness - in fact, it's worse than that. It's competent. Average. Mediocre. Inoffensive. And as such, it's unforgivably crap.