Computer Gamer


Kai Temple
By Firebird
Spectrum 48K/Plus

 
Published in Computer Gamer #19

Kai Temple

Every so often you come across a game that is so bad that it defies description. Such a game is Kai Temple. The temple is set high in the Tibetan mountains and your one aim is to escape. Guarding the temple are Ninjas that must be kicked to death, and Divas that must be eliminated by throwing a dagger at them. There are also flying swords to be avoided. So what is so bad about that, you may ask? OK, the plot isn't exactly original, but it isn't that bad. Read on, dear reader, read on.

The first part of the game takes place in a room consisting of three unconnected platforms which you can jump up and down onto, and an exit sign that has no relevance whatsoever. The guards have to be destroyed within a time limit and, as you start the game, the clock starts ticking down from 1000.

Killing the first Ninja presents a slight problem, as you lose 900 units of time for no obvious reason, putting you under considerable time pressure to kill off the next waves of two and three guards. Just when you think that you have got the knack of timing your kicks properly, the whole room suddenly, and inexplicably, turns upside down and you find yourself in mortal combat suspended from the ceiling. Just as suddenly, the room switches to normal again.

The bit that really had me howling with laughter, though, was when you throw a dagger. I don't think I have ever come across a slower bit of animation. To give you some idea of how quickly the knife speeds through the air, you can throw it, drop down a platform, run across and jump up again and wait for the knife to pass harmlessly through your own chest. Should you succeed in eliminating all the guards, the only way that you can progress onto the next level is by leaping onto a see-saw with sufficient force to hurl a huge boulder into the air so that it strikes a bell. Should you think that this seems a reasonable thing to do, let me point out that the bell is on exactly the same level as you start from and a simple couple of steps sideways would seem to be slightly easier although, unfortunately, not allowed in the game.

Kai Temple is a masterpiece of bad games design and has shot straight into my personal top ten of the worst games ever. Even at budget price, you should expect reasonable value for money and this doesn't deserve to be given away free with Cornflakes.