Crash
1st April 1992
Published in Crash #98
A decent footballer needs skill, dedication, courage and a poncy haircut [I didn't know you played football, Al - Ed]. But what it comes down to is balls, boots and brains... Have you get them or not? Alan Green definitely has all three and is here to prove his worth!
4 Most Balls, Boots and Brains
Fans of all types of footy are in luck with this fourpack of sport sims. As for that rude sounding title - all the sports involve balls (tee-hee!), you need boots to play them in real life, and presumably a brain to do especially well (but that never stopped Bill Beaumont, so who knows?).
The Double and Rugby Boss are management games. 'Oh no, not again!' I hear you scream. Yep, this wave of football games is still on the rampage for some reason beyond the understanding of the universe. Why, oh why, oh why?
Fire Extinguisher
Wait before you burn this review and allow me to decimate them. The Double follows a long tradition of amazingly boring games. With instructions as long as your arm (if it's really long, that is), it claims to be the most realistic and controllable of its kind.
It boasts 65 teams and thousands of players. Each with individual characteristics, and every other conceivable factor that goes into the making of a footy manager (except for the scandalous stories, worse luck).
It's so bloomin' complex the whole thing's snail-pace slow and scores as one of the dullest games yet, even among other sims strategy games. You don't see matches, just stare at a teleprinter for the final scores.
Rugby Boss is similarly deathly. Absolutely no action at all, and very little thought required (flip, it's just like the real thing!).
"Who Are They?"
This painful compilation's worsened further by Australian Rules, a 'playing the match' simulation which doesn't sound too bad at first.
Unfortunately, it's just a load of little red and blue blobs charging around after a totally humungous ball (almost twice as wide as the players - and judging by Bill Beaumont, well...). You can't help but think the programmer couldn't give a XXXX.
Finally, there's Soccer Challenge, where you prove yourself worthy of your fave team (yippee. I'll be centre-forward for Akrington Stanley yet!).
This involves practicing various soccer skills and completing an assault course. The only assault course you're likely to encounter is against you're poor Speccy when you get racked off with this bunch of naff games.
Challenge is a touch above the rest, with passing, tackling, dribbling (over the keyboard, possibly) and penalty taking to master, all requiring some skill to suss.
Despite the measly price, I doubt even the footy-maddest will wet their panties in excitement. The 'brainy' sims are fantastically dull and the other two are just crap.
